Often, the questions we ask ourselves are supremely self-defeating.
When poorly aimed, our questions lead us up spirals of bitterness and self-loathing. These questions confuse our priorities, prey on our fears, and suspend us in misery.
This will not do.
What we need—especially when things aren’t going to plan—is a question that will steer us right. We need to ask a question that could lead us towards clarity and hope.
When we can rely on nothing else, we need a question that will allow us to rely on ourselves.
This is the question we need to ask:
In what way is this period of my life asking me to grow?
I’ll say it again, differently: In what way is this situation an opportunity for me to grow?
I’ll say it another two ways so you know what I mean: What qualities can I develop to thrive in this moment? Who am I being challenged to become now?
Go ahead. Ask yourself. Take your time. Walk with the question, or journal on it.
And if you’re not convinced, read on.
The Story: Why am I making such a big deal of this?
The philosophic reason is that this question aligns us perfectly along three axes— the emotional axis, the temporal axis, and the axis of control. We’ll talk about that in a second.
But the reason I’m writing this is because brought me down from a mountain of indignation a few months ago.
Amidst my anger and confusion—this question gave me the clarity to be mature, and the perspective to be optimistic. This made-up (so totally made-up) example is just one moment in which the question helps:
Your boss was rude to you. (you could also pretend it was a parent, a partner or a friend)
The rudeness usually doesn’t get to you, but now you feel a volley of frustration about every aspect of working with your boss. Maybe you’re enraged, or a little anxious.
The natural thing to do is to run this incident over and over in your mind. To play scenarios of what you might have said—your heroic stands and witty quips, your boss’ increasing unreasonableness and eventual defeat.
Yet, your hurt is only refreshed by this macabre fantasy. The effect is that you’ve quintupled your suffering by the end of the commute.
In this situation, what will help?
Ask yourself the question of growth. In what way in this situation asking me to grow?
When you ask this, you are able to discover that even this painful incident presents you with an opportunity for growth.
You will notice that there is probably nothing for you to gain in muttering swears under your breath (mumble rappers may disagree).
But there could be growth in learning to set boundaries on how people get to treat you at the workplace.
Or perhaps, the growth would be in looking inwards with humility—in noticing that your boss had a point.
It’s likely you’ll instinctively be able to pick out the potential growth you’ve been ignoring so far.
And this is how the question can transform a hurtful situation that happened to you into an opportunity for you to respond with grace.
But how exactly does it achieve this effect? It’s because the question aligns us perfectly on the three axes. Let’s start with emotion.
The Emotional Axis
Some meditations are about getting bitten by mosquitoes while you think about dinner. Others can be more insightful. Once, on the latter kind of meditation, I remember noticing this:
Our minds actively seek anxious or despairing thoughts just as they seek fantasy and excitement.
And they do both for the same reason: These thoughts are compelling.
Our minds aren’t afflicted by negative emotions or uplifted by positive ones. It is usually the mind that jumps to either kind of emotion. And it does so because of a compulsive desire for emotional roller-coasters.
In other words, it is understandable that we jump on to the emotionally charged aspects of our present situation.
But clarity of thought comes from stilling ourselves amidst the noise. And this is best achieved by focusing on growth.
In difficult moments, the focus on your own growth saves you from despairing, resentful and anxious thoughts.
In exciting moments, the focus on growth protects you from hubris and stimulation—it gives you the sobriety you need to look forward with maturity.
Thus, seeking growth awakens you to the opportunity of the moment rather than the awfulness of it (which you are already aware of).
The Axis of Control
The right question should focus you on what you can do.
There are two elements to this. The first is to focus on yourself rather than your environment.
It is tempting to be distracted by the chaos that the universe might unleash on us, or the actions of temperamental others. But it is not the question that will lead us to clarity or action for ourselves.
This is the reason we ask a question that focuses us on what we can control: “how can I grow?”
Even though the question focuses on you, it isn’t necessary selfish. Asking yourself what qualities signal your growth should often prompt you in the direction of humility, service and altruism.
The second element of control is to focus on action, not rumination.
This means to focus on what I can do now, rather than how things came to be this way or what I could have done earlier.
Now rumination is not the same as self-reflection or contemplation. Rumination, for me here, is the pattern of repetitively cycling through emotionally charged thoughts. Self-reflection is crucial (this essay is built on that premise!). But rumination is compulsive and unhelpful.
The Temporal Axis
The right question should also insulate us from the past and the future.
First, we need to focus on what can be done now—not on what has happened already.
This is why the question is not—how did this happen? Or how does this compare to my expectations?
Instead, the question is how I can grow now.
The focus on growth also insulates us from our future goals. Instead of pinning our hopes on the future—we realize our rewards in the present by growing today.
Of course, we hope things turn out well. But that is not why we act. The growth is its own reward, and thus we are free from unhinged expectation.
Self-Defeating Questions–the Pitfalls
The question of growth stands out because the questions we ask ourselves—usually involuntarily in our mental-chatter—tend to violate one or more of the three axial principles.
Examples:
What did I do to deserve this?
Why is this happening to me?
How can I avoid this?
What would other people think about me?
How can I protect myself from this?
But as I say this, I should concede:
Other Questions Have Their Place
Sometimes it is important to ask other kinds of questions—questions of why something happened, whether what happened for fair or just, and what the potential downfalls are.
This essay isn’t an encouragement to constantly insist on the upside—that could be insensitive or blind.
Rather, this question is meant to be a corrective to the overwhelming blur of emotionally charged questions that fill our minds.
When you need clarity, strength, and a path forward, I hold that it is the question of growth you should turn to. But you needn’t forget all the other questions.
Why Does a Question Matter at All?
How much does a question matter?
A whole lot, I think.
After all, every conscious decision in your life will ultimately be made by a committee of one. You.
So, it is pivotal that you counsel yourself well.
And how would you know how to counsel yourself? I believe it’ll start with the right question.
So what will you ask?
Personal essays like this one often start as letters to my email list. (Last week for example, I wrote “why we should sometimes ignore feedback”).
I write twice a month, sharing my own insights and brilliant ideas from others. I’d be delighted to welcome you to the pack.
Thank you for reading.